The Secret Life of Dogs

I think a lot about what the dogs do while C and I are at work. In all likelihood, they sleep all day. But that’s no fun. I like to think our dogs are a little more exciting than that.

All of our animals are giant goofballs who take themselves way too seriously. My trusty spouse C and I like to play along and weave a ridiculous web of daytime activities around it all. By that I mean that we have, throughout the years, devised a fantasy world in which our animals have a specific set of hobbies, duties, and activities that they perform throughout the day while we are at work.

Charlie and Owen’s crates are near each other in the basement. Pilot is in a crate upstairs. And Lila is locked in bedroom – much to her dismay.

To start off in this fantasy world, C and I have a running joke that Charlie is writing a musical – it’s called Ham.

It’s a love story, a tragedy, a comedy. Ultimately, it’s an opera. He’s been working on it for a few years now, gaining inspiration from the pageant scene in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Although he’s been working on it for a while he really only has one song in the works – the titular piece. It goes a little something like this:

Haaaaaaaaaaam! Haaaaaaaaam! I want to eat Ham!
Haaaaaaaaaaam! Haaaaaaaaam! Please let me eat Ham!

So anyway, Charlie works on Ham, typically for the second half of the day. He’s busy in the morning eating a frozen Kong and napping. The napping really gets his creative juices flowing.

Owen, naturally, writes letters to his best friend, my trusty spouse C. He writes between two and 20 letters a day, and they go a little something like this:

*licks quill pen*
Dear C,
Today is a good day. I woke up this morning, ate my kibblez, and then thought about you all day.
A bug crawled into my box. It was really fun. I did end up eating it.
The bug was tasty.
I miss you, C. I really want to cuddle yous later.
Charlie is singing again. I hate it.
*licks quill pen*
Love you always and forever,
Your Owen

Owen and Charlie talk back and forth during the day. Mostly Owen tells Charlie his musical is coming along nicely, though Charlie doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm. Owen then talks about large existential questions, like death or the meaning of life. Charlie isn’t really interested and just tries to ram his crate into Owen’s.

Upstairs, where the girls are kept, the scene is much different.

Pilot, who has a crate in C’s office, has a variety of tasks she performs throughout the day. She visualizes her frisbee freestyle routine thrice in the morning, and twice in the afternoon. She then does a complex set of plyometrics, making sure to work out each of her core muscle groups.

After her morning workout, but before her afternoon frisbee visualization, she pulls out her Magic Bullet and makes a protein shake containing three raw eggs, goat milk powder, and green lipped muscles.

She then meditates until C comes home and releases her from her cage.

Lila is our only dog who is not crated during the day. She’s confined to our bedroom, but she has plenty of room to pace or nap on the bed.

Incidentally, that is primarily what she does all day – pace back and forth and nap.   She also has a very detailed travel journal where she details the events of the day, as follows:

Day 1825 –
The short one was sassy this morning. She skimped me 4 kibble in my morning meal. Note to self – keep an eye on her.
Nobody made the bed, which is my throne, this morning. If I’m feeling up to it later I will throw the blankets off the throne.
I’ve noted a strange smell coming from the basket of soiled clothes. Remind tall one to put it in washing machine, stat.
Dog at Eastern house barked seven times before the sun was at 90 in the sky. Up 2 times from yesterday.
Captain out – Lila.

When she’s done writing in her journal, pacing, and napping, she sits by the door patiently. She does this mostly to keep watch of the house, but also partially to stand at attention for when C comes home to release her from her cozy prison. (Yes, she does believe that the bedroom is a prison)

Each of the dogs has asked for walkie talkies for Christmas for the last few years so they can communicate better. The boys want to be able to chit chat with the girls. The girls, however, walk the talkies so they can boss the boys around and trick them into performing various hijinks for them. C and I have not complied with the request, much to their disappointment.

So there you go. That’s what our dogs do all day. They have very strong personalities, and hobbies to boot.

What do your dogs do all day? Let me know in the comments!!

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